true stories.

after the storm.

ranting & rambling.

the strength you never knew within arises when you need it most. 

there use to be a time I actually believed I couldn’t live without you, now I realize if you loved me half as much as I still love you, you wouldn’t let me bare such a thought. 

forgiveness — it’s crazy. it opens eyes. grants wisdom, deems security. first, second, third chances … who’s counting? God doesn’t. forgiveness is forgiveness; genuine, real, meaningful. 

imperfection is us. how God intended. imperfection is discovery. 

expectations we can’t help but to have, mostly because love is endurance and we tend to expect the most from those we love most. 

progression … I continue to change the things you request, but in the words of the infamous Ms. Jackson if ya nasty — “what have you done for me lately?”  

not to sound self-seeking but any & all relationships are mutually beneficial, otherwise their purpose is defeated. 

funny to stumble upon 1, 2, & even 3 year old thoughts reconfirming present feelings of un-fulfillment . noticing nothing has changed for you BUT time. 

funny to still feel that same fear I’ve felt for the longest. funny you’re too busy focusing on self to have room to dedicate any focus on anyone else … yet YOU want me to stay. real funny way of showing it.

 i talk about leaving & how easy it is for me to walk away yet someway or another, I always find myself here again. that’s the most frustrating part of it all. 

I don’t like everything you’ve become. I don’t like how selfishness has contained you. it scares me. i’m not sure if there is any room left for me in this new lifestyle you’ve created. I do not believe there is space to stand beside you as this self-centered individual you are now. 

“People think ironic racism is equivalent to satire. By making racist jokes - especially sarcastic ones - people think they are pointing out why racism is wrong. But if you are saying racist things without challenging their racist foundations, you have failed at being satirical. Because once you do something racist, your intention/meaning will not always be distinguishable to others who do not live in your brain. Get it? Circulating racism is simply circulating racism.”

Love song.

Full. Empty. Fast. Passionate. Slow. Jealous. Deep. Hot. Selfish. Growth. Strength. Possessive. Admired. Scared. Intense. Romantic. Beautiful. T.

“I remembered you today. As I rubbed the back of his arm.”

What Hurts The Most …

It hurts me to know you had it in your heart to hurt me.

It hurts because I love you. I always did & even though you wronged me, I always will.

It hurts me to know something was wrong with us, & I was unaware.

It hurts because I thought we were closer than that, I always believed we were better than that.

It hurts me to know even when you weren’t my friend, I was yours.

It hurts because you were family. Your family was like my family.

It hurts to know you didnt think about me.

It hurts because I couldnt even imagine my life without you as my ace, in it.

It hurts to know you could be this dishonest with me for this long.

It hurts because out of all the fcked up shit I’ve done, I could NEVER hurt you.

It hurts me to know that you were never who I really thought you were at all.

It hurts me to know you had it in your heart to hurt me.

It hurts because I love you. I always did & even though you wronged me, I always will.

It hurts to know that everything I truly believed, was a lie.

It hurts because I really had hope. I truly believed in us.

It hurts to know that I wasted my time.

It hurts because in that two years, you became so much more than you could imagine & you took advantage of that.

It hurts to know you probably feel accomplished.

It hurts because I’m actually not that surprised.

It hurts to even imagine it, it tears me apart.

It hurts because you were my first true love.

It hurts to know that the two people I trusted most with my life, my secrets, my pain, my joy, my everything, caused me the most pain I’ve ever dealt with.

It hurts because I never expected it from the people I loved most, the people I trusted most, the people who were there for me at the lowest of my lows.

It hurts to know people are capable of being this evil & hurtful.

It hurts because of who you are, who you were to me, what you meant.

But what hurts the most is the fact that you both single handedly took away every last ounce of hope I had in my heart for that 95 years. And God knows, on my life, on my soul, I had all the hope in the world. You took that from me. It’s like you sat down & said, “self, what can I do to hurt this bitch to the point of no fcking return?” Then … POOF!

Neither one of you even cared enough to even attempt to spew out an apology. Nor did you attempt to explain yourselves, instead you tried to excuse it. But it’s unacceptable & border line unforgivable. Just goes to show how big of a fool I was.

I lost my best friend & my love. At the same damn time. It hurts because I already knew I lost you, but I still had that hope, that same hope, that made me want to believe your lies.

I never wanted to give up on my friendship, or my relationship. I’m especially hurt because it feels like I lost my family.

I truly hope you got what you set out to accomplish. And, if hurting me more than anyone or anything could ever hurt me in the amount of time I’ve been on this earth, was your goal, please know you have succeeded.

I won’t wallow. It’s not in my heart. & even though it hurts, I’m working on forgiving the both of you.

Happiness.

I’m happy. I’m in love. My family is great. Friends, maybe not so much. ☝. Actually, I’m just learning who my real, true, lifelong friends are. Takes some of us a little bit longer 😂. So, my friends are great too. The few I do have. 😊. Happiness. Never take it for granted. I hope mine just continues to blossom.

an array of thought & emotion. 💌

There is darkness around me; silence within. Curiosity entices me, even when I would pretend. Pretend not to care. Pretend to ignore. Pretend because I couldn’t bare. Bare to think, focus, bare to obsess. I knew this day would come, nevertheless.

Thoughts crowd my mind. Questions. Answers. Always unexpected, every single time. What to feel, how to feel or if feelings are even appropriate. Questions, questions, always questions. Answers, answers. Never. No answers. I’m nervous. The anger has left and now all that is there is … emptiness … & memories. Memories that ultimately lead to more questions. Questions, questions. That are no longer relevant. Answers. Answers, answers. Answers that are no longer necessary.

What to feel. How to feel. Or even if feelings are appropriate. Time. Memories. That’s what’s left.

Feelings, no more; they were undeserved. Undeserved. Unappreciated. Neglected. But now, I’m elated. Elated because I know what it feels to be happy. Happiness that isn’t forced. Happiness that is constant. That happiness we had once before. Pure. Have you ever felt true purity? Sure! I feel cleansed. Refreshed. But there are still questions. Questions, questions, I won’t ever forget. Answers. Answers, answers, I must get.

No longer can I neglect, what’s important, I can’t accept … emptiness. No longer will I allow myself to tolerate, to become irate, over innate insecurities. I am strength. I know strength. I, exude strength. You helped build my strength, & even my character. Time. Memories; it’s evident feelings are appropriate & highly relevant.

What to feel, how to feel, or even if feelings are appropriate. Questions, questions. Finally, answers, answers. We all have a few; may not have been the ones you wanted, but you deserved some answers too.

* starts p poppin * 12.14.12, ya girl is out this bihhh! Time to TU, mane. 🙌☺😎 (Taken with Instagram)
She so seductive, the way she take them clothes off.  (Taken with Instagram)
Cuz no one hurt me more than you. 👏 (Taken with Instagram)